Limited

Have always been an overachiever, can't really help it - do everything full kilter.  Among other things I'm a person of extremes, and have a one track mind, so if I ran into problems I pushed past them through sheer force of will if I had to.  If it took a couple hundred tries I was up for putting in the work.  (Even though I was often called a quitter, but that's a different story.)  Of course you can't do that with everything, and when I couldn't I assumed it was some failing in me.  I hadn't tried hard enough, could have just payed more attention, or practiced more, or push through the discomfort, or grown three inches.  I must be lazy, or just a big baby, or I would have finished/learned whatever, would've found a way to make it work.

A limit, any limit, was a failing in myself. It had nothing to do with how possible the thing I was trying to do was.  After all, you can do the impossible if you just try hard enough, right? In some cases that's true, and my tenacity and stubbornness has served me well in many parts of life, in other cases it's slowed down my ability to accept not only "normal" human limits but the additional ones that come with chronic conditions.  

I have to stay pretty active to keep moving at all.  It's like I rust or something.  Joint and muscle problems crop up, and I lose range of motion and ability to stand steadily pretty quickly.  It takes time to get back to a place where I'm relatively comfortable and my body is working mostly.  Exercising is sometimes painful and always uncomfortable (probably the same for lots of people), but I've learned it's easier to keep up with if I find something that I enjoy doing and pay attention to my specific body mechanics.  

Picking something I really like gives me incentive to keep up with it, for obvious reasons.  Listening to my body keeps me from hurting myself, generally.  It's been hard to come to terms with the fact that deterioration and damage to my body means I can't do a lot of things I should be able to at my age.   Had to learn to recognize the difference between "I'm bad at it and can learn with practice" and "I'm bad at it because of an injury/medical issue and I need to stop doing it".  For example, somersaults aren't particularly dangerous, and while not easy for a 36 year old they are completely doable.  For me the pressure on my crooked and cracked vertebrae could do serious permanent damage, so I have to stand by and watch everyone else do things that I can't do.  

I'm also prone to repetitive stress injuries, which means that doing something regularly can mean a new injury.  I used to write a lot, can't by hand because of carpal tunnel issues.  Typing is easier, but even that is hard on the wrists.  Have some pretty serious foot issues and knee problems etc, so although I love to walk I can only do so for a bit.  With good shoes and regular exercise, I can hike still.  Uneven ground can be dangerous for the ankles, knees, and hips.  Standing still wreaks havoc on my back and hips.  It's like a no win situation all the way around.

As I get older there are more and more things I can't do, and I know that is going to continue to happen.  I know it happens to everyone over time, it's just happening to me at an accelerated rate compared with my peers.  Each time I have to walk away from something that I've put time and effort into, something that I love, it's a painful blow.  Some are worse than others.  I've been doing an activity that can be hard on the shoulders and damaged my rotater cuff.  Not only did this make the thing exceptionally difficult, the doctor told me that if I kept at it I would probably lose the use of my shoulder.  

It's one more thing in a list of things that have been taken from me, and it broke me a little bit.  I'm running out of activities that I can do, and find it hard to stay hopeful and to keep doing as much exercise as I can.  I'm limited, and watching the number of things I can do dwindle.  I've been angry and hurt and frustrated and the people around me just don't quite understand.  It's hard to explain the despair in realizing that the more you like something or do something the quicker you're going to have to give it up.  Makes it hard to not throw in the towel.