Coming down...

Coming down off a flare can tempt a person to push themselves too hard. When I start to feel better I often think oh I can catch up on those chores I've neglected for days. But self care is as important now as it was at the peak of my flare. I have to continue to rest extra, take my pain relievers, watch what I eat, get extra sleep. I'd I push myself too soon I coukd make the flare last longer OR trigger a new one. I've had both happen.

Do I always manage to do the necessary self care? No. Someone has to make sure chores get done, errands get done, and bills get paid. I do my best because that's all I can do.

Flare

After weeks of feeling pretty good and doing stuff almost like an average person might, I crashed. 2 days of being in bed trying to keep my attention off the pain.

Pain does bad things to a person's state of mind. Although my partner is fully aware of my condition and epically supportive, I struggle to ask for the simple things I need (ie food) when he has worked all day.

My kid, who is also epically supportive, is current on vacation. Which brings me to the real point of this post...

How to care for myself when my caretakers are gone.

I'm really bad at this. I will either push too hard or do not nearly enough. This time was too little. I didn't get up unless I needed to use the bathroom. Then, if I could make it down the hallway, I would go to the kitchen and grab food. After 2 days of not eating nearly enough, my body is extra cranky with me. Now I'm still in a flare AND I'm having digestive issues from not eating. A person can only eat so many granola bars.

What I should have done was ask my partner to help me make sure I had the food and beverages I needed readily available. He would have done so had I asked.

Why didn't I? Pride, guilt, stubbornness, shame. After so many years of living with this condition I still get caught in the web of negative stereotypes. The doctor who called teenaged me a hypochondriac when I went to her about my fatigue and pain wasn't the only one who discounted my very real symptoms. It happened so much that I internalized them. I believed myself to be lazy, whiny, unmotivated, attention seeking.

Years of therapy and research about my condition has given me the ability to fight off those old feelings. Still, some days, the worst days, it's hard to remember I'm allowed to ask for help.

In the end, we can only do our best. I think I'll put a reminder by my bed that says I'm allowed to ask for help. Then, next flare, it'll be there waiting to remind me I don't need to suffer in silence.